Exhale.

That was my first thought coming into 2021. The past few years have been have been eye opening, and I can only characterize my feelings as one long inhale. Whereas shit hit the fan in 2020, I have decided to shift my perspective. I will remember 2020 being a year of information gathering and I am excited about what is to come. A new presidential administration, birthdays, weddings, baby, graduation, etc. I am open to new opportunities. In fact, I declare this as the year of doing and moving on. 

I have framed my year, borrowing from numerology, colorology, a guiding quote, and a guiding word. 

2+0+2+1 = 5. Five is referred to as a pivotal point of change. It is characterized by freedom, fulfillment, adventure, and experience. I liken it to freshness, high energy, and possibilities. 

Orange. While green has always been my favorite color, I also find myself drawn to orange. I used to refer to it as my color preference. When I was in high school, my dream car was a burnt orange Ford Edge. As a secondary color, orange is characterized by the energy of red and the happiness of yellow. Orange is about wellness, passion, and warmth. It is also associated with a boost in aspiration, happiness, and confidence. 

Guiding Quote: One day or day one. I will use this time to manifest positive outcomes for this year. Day one for a number of things, including health and wellness, creativity, opportunities, travel, etc. I want a reminder to live my life to the fullest with the people I love. 

Guiding Word: Increase. Increase, increase, increase! It is time to name it and claim it. Increase is defined in two ways, verb: to make greater and noun: an instance of growing. When I reflect on the 2021, I hope I can say I did just what I set out to do. 

Live your happy,

Thoughts on Success

In the spirit of commencement, I have been reflecting on messaging that would be impactful for graduates. When I graduated, I remembered feeling both excited and apprehensive at the same time. I knew I would leave GVSU to start my selected graduate program at Ball State University, however, there were details that needed to be sorted out. The one question that constantly ran through my mind was, did I make the right choice?

It boils down to perceptions of success, and if you recall from my previous post, I had already ruled out two professions that I knew would lead to a successful career (or at least they would meet satisfy my 21 year old self’s definition of success). Moving forward to pursue a career as a post K12 educator brought along with it a great deal of unknown, however, I had a plan. Success in higher education to me meant making the transition from Assistant Residence Hall Director, to Residence Hall Director, to Assistant Director of Residence Life, to Associate Director of Residence Life, to Director of Housing and Residence Life. That was my anticipated trajectory, and I did not have time to consider anything that would get in the way of my success journey.

When I completed my graduate program and landed my first, post-master’s, professional position, I saw myself moving right along the trajectory. I did have a love-hate relationship with my job, however, I would imagine that most people who work in live-on capacities have similar feelings. I knew pretty early into my career that that was not the position for me, and as a result my definition of success shifted. My vision of a simple career trajectory vanished, and I felt as though I needed to go back to the drawing board; hello job search for post-master’s position number 2.

What happens in those moments when things do not go according to plan? We tend to take it pretty hard on ourselves. Honestly, I reverted back to what I was feeling when I graduated from GVSU back in 2011 (minus the excitement). I was apprehensive, and I figured that if I made a mistake once what would keep me from doing it again? I recognized the extreme loss of focus, and I had gone from having a play-by-play of my anticipated success journey to having nothing at all. And what is the opposite of success? Failure. I now realize it does not quite work that way, however, in that moment that was my reality. It is all too easy to dwell in this place, and my hope is to share my perspective in order to move others beyond this space.

I am now in my third post-master’s position, and I cannot complain. My success journey is under way, I love what I do, and I am moving forward with the next step in mind as opposed to leading with the end game. I have resolved to retire my decision to be a Director of Housing and Residence Life one day; that’s no longer the best fit outcome for me. My next step is to pursue my third and final degree, and I am exactly where I need to be to do that (again, things have a way of working themselves out).

“…do not be so focused on one end game in particular that you cut yourself off from other success opportunities.”

If you were to ask me what position awaits on the other side of my terminal degree attainment, I would have to say whereas I do not know for sure, I do have some ideas. I’m okay with being in this space, because as I move forward I recognize that all paths before me will ultimately lead to my success.

In closing, do not be so focused on one end game in particular that you cut yourself off from other success opportunities.

Live your happy,

Reflections on My Journey

As the college academic year draws to an end, I cannot help but to focus on transition. I think about where I was as I walked across the stage, leaving Grand Valley State University back in April 2011. I had an idea of where I was going, but I did not expect to be where I am today; and I can say with 100% certainty that I could not have seen myself being anywhere else.

Rewind back further to an ambitious 18 year old Chicagoan making the transition from high school to college in the small town of Allendale, MI. Allendale’s claim to fame: it’s the home of GVSU. I had known since I was a sophomore in high school that I would attend GVSU. There was such a strong pull to that university, and to this day I cannot explain that feeling. All I know is I hope other people have the opportunity to feel similarly when they are making their college decision. Back to the initial point, I was an 18 year old college bound student, trading the city life for small town living, looking to pursue a degree in Finance in preparation for a career in corporate law. My life was planned.

My 18 year old self planned to complete a four year degree in Finance, apply to (and be admitted to) law school at the University of Texas at Austin, move to Austin for school and remain in Austin to live the life of a yuppie bachelor in a penthouse condo. Let me tell you, it was a perfect plan. I am sure there are people who go out and end up doing just that. My plan did not account for a few things that happened along the way.

I fell in love. I’m talking head over heels, knock me off of my feet, kind of love. This beautiful red head with piercing green eyes took my breath away, and in that moment things needed to change. In my mind, I could not be a family guy and a successful corporate attorney, it was either one or the other. I chose the family path. If you are interpreting this decision as a regret, then you have it all wrong. For me, this was a values-based decision. I come from a family with divorced parents, and I planned to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. After we were dating for a year, I changed my major from Finance to a double major in Communication Studies and English.

With my new area of study, I planned to take my degree and translate it into a career in Corporate America. Through my Communication Studies my focus remained on theory and advertising (primarily). Moving to Austin was out of the picture, but I still saw myself in a city living in a penthouse condo as a yuppie DINC (double income, no children). That changed when I realized I am actually an educator at heart. By educator, I do not mean someone in the K12 sector, I mean someone who works in higher education.

Fast forward to now: I am married, I earned a Master’s Degree, I own a home with my beautiful wife in the capital city, and I work as an Academic Advisor for the Broad College of Business at MSU (does anyone else see the irony in this?). We are yuppie-DINC property owners living in an urban setting. To put the icing on the cake we have a little French Bulldog (I call her our status pet, lol). As for where we are going, I am not sure. I can assure you that we will be in our house for the next 5-7 years. We are young and happy, and the world is our stage. Nothing is outside the realm of possibilities for my wife and me. I do imagine the next phase of our journey does start with additional degree attainment (I like to joke that we are both addicted to graduating).

“be open to the possibilities and be okay with changing your mind. There are a number of paths before you that will lead you to where you are supposed to be, and neither of those paths are a wrong choice. Stay in tune with the person you are today and embrace growth knowing that transformation exists on the other side.”

I say all of this to say, be open to the possibilities and be okay with changing your mind. There are a number of paths before you that will lead you to where you are supposed to be, and neither of those paths are a wrong choice. Stay in tune with the person you are today and embrace growth knowing that transformation exists on the other side. Always be in pursuit of happiness, and know that true happiness never comes at the expense of others.

Live your happy,

 

Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve

I believe death and failure have a tendency to take us to a place in which we reflect on a number of things. In death, we reflect on how little we connected with a person instead of remembering the good times, and in failure we reflect on failed outcomes instead of taking pride in the lessons learned. It goes back to something I posted a few weeks ago, when I talked about our tendency to break ourselves down instead of working to build ourselves up.

My aunt recently passed away, and as my wife and I were sitting in the church pew waiting for the service to start, I could not help but think how I was such a terrible nephew for not visiting with her often over the past few years. It definitely took me to a place of guilt, and I started to ignore the fact that my aunt was at peace. The grieving process was all about me, me, me. And that’s interesting, because generally I do not consider myself to be someone who is self-involved.

Anyhow, the pastor started off the service by surveying the crowd, looking at the expressions on people’s faces, and listening to the sounds of people crying. He calmly said, “this is not the time for could have or should have. If it was that important to you, then you would have done it”. Everything clicked for me in that moment, and I realized there was something to be learned from those words. They still resonate with me days later.

He calmly said, “this is not the time for could have or should have. If it was that important to you, then you would have done it”.

What happened when I moved beyond the “should have, could have” thoughts I was having? I started to focus on memories I had with my aunt. Walking over to her house during the summer to visit her, my uncle, and my cousins. I also recall playing a variety of games with her. I focused on how she smiled whenever someone came to visit, I remembered the feeling of receiving a hug from her, and I recalled how I had never heard her raise her voice. I share all of this to say, once you move beyond what you could have or should have done, you start to see things from a different perspective.

Moving forward, my goal is to phase that language from my vocabulary. I hope to see the lesson in every experience, and move beyond sulking over something in the past. Perhaps it is just human nature.

Live your happy,

The Art of Agreeing to Disagree

I am not a statistics guy, I believe on a daily basis numbers are interpreted and reinterpreted to affirm a particular view or phenomenon. However, for this post I am motivated by the message: 10% of conflict is to difference in opinion and 90% is due to wrong tone of voice.

This resonates with me, particularly in this midst of the 2016 campaign season. I have found myself in several conversations during which I have to walk away. I have said on multiple occasions to people that is okay to support a candidate I do not support. I have yet to meet a person that shares ever viewpoint I share, and I am okay with that. Honestly, I believe if I were to meet someone exactly like me they would aggravate me to no end. We do not have to argue. We shouldn’t argue. I challenge people to find out why people hold the political beliefs they hold, and learn something from that interaction. What I am seeing is that we will not get anywhere if we are constantly declaring war upon learning that someone does not support the candidate we support. I recognize there are other complications, but I am not going there in this post; perhaps some other time.

A guiding philosophy I have held since becoming a professional (particularly in higher education) is that you can say anything to me as long as you say so respectfully. Anyone I have supervised or advised in the past will verify my philosophy. Life is too short to spend time arguing over matters of opinions and values, and I believe others are entitled to their opinions as I am entitled to mine. This is the art of agreeing to disagree, and somewhere folks have forgotten that is an option. It is okay to walk away from certain discussions, and that does not put anyone in a position that compromises their beliefs. I refuse to argue with folks about anything (unless someone lies on me. Then we have an issue).

Never be afraid to ask the question. With a background in higher education (residence life in particular), I can recall countless examples of people engaging in conflicts simply because they failed to ask questions and they jumped to conclusions. For example, I had students who were living in a four bedroom apartment on campus. 3 of the students did not have a meal plan and one of the students did. The students without meal plans made weekly grocery shopping trips, and they filled their cabinets and the refrigerator with their groceries.

A few weeks into the semester, the student without a meal plan came to my office to request a move because her roommates were ganging up on her. To make a long story short, she felt this way because they did not leave her a shelf in the refrigerator (mind you, she had a meal plan, and she did not purchase groceries). Come to find out, she had never even talked to her roommates about how she was feeling about not having designated space in the refrigerator. As you can imagine, I thought the girl was being ridiculous; an example of privilege at its finest. Through a couple of conversations, I was able to get her to see an alternative perspective without letting her know that I thought she was being ridiculous. The girl ended up moving out, and I am okay with that. Clearly she was not in a place to deal with anything that challenged her frame of reference.

“I want to challenge us all, myself included, to master the art of agreeing to disagree. I have a sneaky suspicion that will make us happier.”

Whereas I do not condone running from every situation and I believe we should look to grow by way of challenge, there is a valuable lesson to be learned about bowing out of things respectfully. I can go on with this for days, however, I’ll simply end by saying this: If you have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all. In my years on earth, I seldom find myself in the midst of people who hold all the same beliefs I hold on a number of topics.

I want to challenge us all, myself included, to master the art of agreeing to disagree. I have a sneaky suspicion that will make us happier.

Live your happy,

Hello to Self

I recall having a number of conversations with my father, through which he constantly asked me to reflect on how things made me feel. I remember always asking him for his opinion about my clothes, my shoes, how my hair should be cut, etc. He would look at me and say, “what do you think?” That response was aggravating to my seven or eight year old self. I recall wanting to be like my father, because in my opinion he is just too cool for his own good. Seriously, anyone who knows my father knows he is the definition of cool, calm, and collected. It never dawned on me that those simple reflections from my father would have such a profound impact on me in my adult years.

People may picture a variety of things if you were to ask them about me (I’m sure). I am willing to bet there are both positive and negative perceptions that stem from just speaking my name, not unlike others. Of any and everything that people have to say, I must admit one thing tends to surface more than other things; self-awareness.  I had just started graduate school when this was initially brought to my attention, and prior to that I had never really thought about it. My sense of self is often unwavering. I am who I am, and you can take it or leave it. Who I am is who I am, and I like me. Hell, I love me! This is absolutely critical, because I have not always been that way.

Life is full or critics. Someone will always have something to say about any and everything, any and every one. I have learned to take solace in knowing that most people’s perception of me is none of my business. Now that is not to say people should be apprehensive about providing me with constructive criticism. In fact, I know that when I do not smile I look like the meanest person in the continental USA. That is my resting face. I developed that face growing up in Chicago, because as you may have guessed, we do not walk around smiling at people there. Perhaps some people do, but where I am from that is not a thing. Needless to say, growth occurs through feedback, specifically how I choose to accept and apply it.

Confidence is key. Without ever saying to me I needed a confidence booster, my father did everything he knew how to in order to make me the confident person I am today. What do I like about myself? Everything. What do I wish I could change? Nothing. There is always room for growth, and I appreciate being at a place in my life at which I dictate my growth pattern. It’s a beautiful place in life to be, and my hope is that everyone find themselves there. Sooner rather than later.

I do have some thoughts on how to start. Simply put: if you don’t like something about you, change it. If you cannot change it, learn to love it because we should not embrace an alternative. Wear what makes you happy, do what makes you live, and make confidence a part of your everyday attire. It’s definitely easier said than done, but it is not impossible. And once you say hello to self, I can assure you that you’ll never want to say goodbye.

I am sure someone is reading through this applying my logic to some terrible people, people who may appear to radiate confidence. For that I say this, I have never had to uplift myself by putting anyone down. My confidence constantly inspires me to uplift others, and other confident people I know do the same. How about that?

Live your happy,

Busy.

Something that has been on my mind recently is “busy”. This year I told myself I would phase that word out of my vocabulary. How often do you find yourself defaulting to that word? Think about a go to response for the following questions: How’s your day? How are things going? What are you up to? Busy. I believe people live busier lives these days, so what is understood need not be said. That’s a lesson I learned a while ago from one of my high school math teachers. But I digress—

I had to stop and think about this for a minute, because “busy” is superficial; I believe it boils down to perception. Whenever someone responds, busy to a question I ask, I perceive they believe their time is somehow more valuable than my time. I also perceive they believe I am wasting my time on something worthless. And let’s not get started on how things get out of control if two people participating in a conversation both respond with busy. Let’s be real, saying “I’m busy” is almost always employed as a method to shut down a conversation even before it has started. Of course this is my perception, but I am curious to know how many people feel (or have ever felt) similarly.

I think about my wife who is a preschool teacher. I cannot possibly imagine how to manage a classroom of 15-18 3 year olds. Honestly, I am sure she is busy from the time she walks into her classroom, until the time she leaves. However, my wife seldom says to me that her day was busy (honestly, that can be assumed). Knowing how I would not make it in that environment, I started to wonder how it makes my wife feel when she asks me about my day and I say it was a busy day. There are some major differences between my work as an Academic Advisor and her work as an Early Childhood Educator. In my mind, my busy undermines her role, and that is unacceptable.

I have started focusing on what busy means to me. Perhaps a busy Monday includes back to back meetings from eight until noon. Perhaps a busy week includes having advised upwards of 200 students. Maybe a busy month has something to do with having weekend obligations at the conclusion of every week. Why can’t we just learn to say the thing? I have learned it is more engaging, and there is a level of humanity associated with it. Additionally, it individualizes the busy by taking away the inherent comparative nature wrapped up in the term. Again, this is Ken’s opinion, however, I hope this is making sense for somebody.

So how was my day? It certainly moved right along. I scheduled back to back advising appointments with students from 8:30 A.M. until 12:00 P.M., then I transitioned to seeing students on a walk in basis until about 3:00 P.M. Afterwards, my day settled a bit and I was able to respond to some emails and connect with some of my colleagues as we wrapped up our work day. My evening will end with a few household chores, some play time and exercise with my favorite little French bulldog, and quality time with the best preschool teacher I have ever known. All in all, it has truly been an amazing day.

Live your happy,

Push Beyond Comfortable

We do not get anywhere in life by sticking with the things that make us comfortable. I cannot imagine where I would be at this current point in my life if I had stayed in Chicago, if I had not gone to college, if I made the decision not to be married, if I never applied for that job, etc. Whereas I do believe there are many outcomes in life based on the choices we make, I firmly believe our joys in life come from the things that push us beyond our comfortability.

I believe I mentioned this is a previous post; I am a product of divorced parents. In fact, most of my memories of my parents are of them being divorced. It is my normal, and I never realized how it impacted me until I started to get serious back when my wife and I were dating. I remember having a conversation with both of my parents after I had purchased the engagement ring. Up to that point, I knew how and when I was going to propose. Something about making the transaction to purchase the ring made my palms a bit sweaty. I remember thinking, what makes me think my marriage will work when my parent’s marriage did not work? I legitimately contemplated whether or not proceeding with the proposal was a good idea. Despite their experience with divorce, my parents came through for me and my wife and I are approaching four wonderful years of marriage. Perhaps this is not unusual, perhaps this is not a great example, however, this does illustrate my point.

What if I gave in to those feelings that proposing to my then girlfriend what a bad idea because our marriage would only end in divorce? I am pretty sure our relationship would have ended upon graduating from college. Anyone who knows my wife knows that she is not one to sit around while other people try to make up their mind. Our marriage continues to be one that works for the two of us, and I am not naïve. I fully understand that anything could happen during the course of our marriage that could land us on the path to divorce, but reflecting back on it I can say with all certainty that the benefit of being married to this beautiful redhead outweighed the possibility of our marriage ending in divorce. We maintain constant communication, we try to stay on the same page, and we continue to respect and support each other. These are by no means novel concepts, however, I think slacking in or ignoring these areas in any dating relationship or marriage tend to result in separation or divorce—that is not my end game, and I digress.

I say all of this to say, wonderful things happen when you move beyond what is familiar and what is easy. You find that what seems to be out of reach is not only attainable, but it opens the door to other possibilities. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who also works in higher education, and she shared with me that she is seeing a trend of professionals supporting students staying in their comfort zone. Think about this: an 18 year old student graduates from high school, packs up his or her belongings to leave for college, drives whatever distance to a 15×15 residence hall room that he or she is assigned to share with another person, and we expect that to be an easy transition? I think not. The process is designed to push students beyond what they are comfortable with. I take issue when I chat with colleagues who say giving in is a way to meet students where they are. In reality, giving in is about confirming for the student that the world will always adjust to exist within his or her comfort zone.

I’ll leave you with this, I have never met a person who got to where they were going by staying where they were comfortable. It defeats the purpose of a journey

I can go on and on about this, but I will draw my thoughts to a conclusion here. I’ll leave you with this, I have never met a person who got to where they were going by staying where they were comfortable. It defeats the purpose of a journey.

Move beyond your comfort zone, and live your happy,

Friday Freestyle: Unintentional Introduction

Happy Friday, folks! Let me tell you, it is truly a beautiful day here in the mitten state; 40 degrees and sunny. I recognize that may sound bizarre to folks, however, where I am I can assure you people are ready to break out their Birkenstock sandals, old navy flip flops, daisy dukes, cut off shorts, and bro tanks. Maybe Winter is ready to make way for Spring. One thing is certain, only time will tell.

As you may or may not know, I have been working on getting back into writing. At this time I do have something put together, however, I am not quite ready to share it. I will say it is a piece I have entitled “The Re-Intro”, and it will make its way onto the TDK blog next week. I’m looking forward to that.

Until then, I would like to share, what I am calling, the precursor “The Re-Intro”. It is a piece I wrote back in 2008 entitled “Unintentional Introduction”. Enjoy!

Live your happy,

 

BONUS PIC:

Circa 2007, me and other members of our poetry team Lyrikaly Xplicit competing at the annual Louder than a Bomb (LTAB) poetry competition

Make it Count

As we navigate through the 2016 election year, I cannot stress enough the importance of exercising your civic duty. I am bothered whenever I interact with folks who believe this does not matter because their vote will not make a difference either way. First and foremost, allow me to point out (again): we, as citizens of the United States of America, can never afford to let a president to be elected into the oval based on mass attitudes of indifference. We definitely cannot afford this in our current election season.

This year is also interesting, because we are finding ourselves in the midst of (what I am going to refer to as) “hashtag politics”. Which candidate’s hashtag is cool enough to get them voted into office? Which candidate has the hashtag people are willing to support and promote being printed and sold on merchandise? I guess my message to the masses is simply to learn beyond the hashtag. That is an entirely different topic, perhaps for a later post. Ultimately it comes back to being able to know where you stand on issues, and being able to decipher which politician has a platform that aligns closely with your stance.

I just want to share a few resources (this list is by no means exhaustive):

Government 101 – www.votesmart.org

Voting Guide for Elections – www.isidewith.com

Fact-checking US Politics – www.politifact.com

Voter Registration – www.usa.gov

Anyhow, I initially started this post because I have heard in conversation, and I have seen on social media people who believe their vote during the primary election does not matter. People feel that the vote that counts is the national election slated for November. To those people I say, shame on you. Primary elections were designed with the people in mind; they were designed so that the masses could have a say in who would be chosen to represent the parties in the national election. Primaries set the scene. Check out Why the Presidential Primary Elections are So Important.

Know that refraining from voting silences you. Refraining from voting means that the candidate you do not want has a greater chance in winning the election. Know that when that happens, you have no right to complain, because it does not matter to you enough currently to intervene. Make it count.

Cheers to taking the time to figuring it out; learning where you stand, and acquainting yourself with the candidate who is most likely to get you there. And cheers to being informed about what’s happening between now and November 8, 2016 (http://www.uspresidentialelectionnews.com/)

Don’t just talk about it, be about it (21st voter at my polling location for the 2016 MI primary)

Live in pursuit of your happy,